Talk to Me
by SongsofPsyche1945
Summary: Sirius had never wanted to return to his childhood home, and now he was once again a prisoner. It was hard for him to stop the nightmares, once they started. It was hard for him to allow others to touch him, once the fear returned. He wasn't used to this many people crowding around him in a place that only brought back bad memories...
1. Chapter 1

Trigger warning: mentions of anxiety, depression, past abuse and non/con. Also one instance of knife throwing. Please read with care.

Lupin felt the heated tension even before he heard the raised voices drifting upwards from the downstairs kitchen. He knew Molly was just being nice—asking Snape over for dinner— and that she wasn't doing it just to spite Sirius for the fight that they had earlier about Harry learning about the Order. Or at least, he hoped that wasn't the case. Lupin knew Snape had been looking for a fight, things hadn't been going well for him at the school with Dumbledore, and he needed to blow off steam. Silently Lupin cursed himself for not keeping a closer eye on Sirius, and for being slightly late to dinner as he quickly threw on his brown woolen sweater and hurried out of his room. He winced again as he heard another bang, and then a shout. He got into the kitchen just in time to dodge an anger induced knife as it embedded itself into the wall three inches away from his face. He stepped away from the knife and turned his focus in on the fight happening in the middle of the kitchen;

Sirius was standing against the counter, rage and fear distorting his face as his hand grasped for another knife to throw at Snape, who was gliding towards him, an ugly sneer on his face.

"Look at me, poor Sirius having nothing to do all day but sit and laze about in this house, while all the rest of us work our asses off out there in the real world." Snape taunted viciously.

"Stop—."

"You are a useless, mangy coward that nobody wants,. I know what happened to you here, and if you don't keep in line I'll tell the whole world why you ran away all those years ago, why you were _happy_ to be locked up in Azk—"

"I'm warning—."

"What are you going to do? Murder me? Like you did James—." at that moment Sirius cried out in rage—or pain— grasping the knife, he hurled himself towards Snape with his teeth bared.

"Sirius! Snape! Stop this at once." Molly tried to interfere, but she took a quick step back as a leg—Lupin wasn't sure whose it was—kicked out at her.

"HEY!" the shouting escalated as both Fred and George appeared into the kitchen, causing Molly to jump back in surprise.

Lupin stepped forward, "Grab them. Make them stop, we cannot have this here." he told them.

Lupin jumped into the rumble, successfully grabbing Snape and pulling him back while Fred and George pulled Sirius off him.

"Stop! Stop! Please. Get off me. Don't touch me—stop!" Sirius shouted as he struggled against the twins holding his arms.

The minute Lupin touched Snape, he had stopped struggling and stood up on his own.

"Get off me, werewolf. I can fight my own battles." he shot angrily, and then shoved passed him, exiting the kitchen through the doorway. Lupin heard a door slam angrily and felt relieved that at least Snape was gone. He turned his attention back to the kitchen, where Fred and George were still fighting to restrain a struggling Sirius.

"Don't touch me. Please. Stop. Stop. Stop." Sirius was pleading now, eyes wild as he fought to escape their grasps.

Lupin then realized; Sirius wasn't fighting them to continue to get at Snape, he was fighting to escape. Lupin stepped forward towards the three of them

Sirius met his eye and struggled to pull his arms from behind his back, eyes pleading.

"Remus, tell them to let me go. Please. I'll be good. I promise. Please? I can't—please Remus…"

"Let him go." Lupin said

"But—."

"Snape is gone. Give him some space. Let him go. Now."

Both of the twins let go of Sirus instantly. Sirius remained still, panting slightly as he crossed him arms in front of him to stop his hands from shaking.

"Sirius, are you with us?" Lupin asked after he calmed some.

Sirius looked around; from Harry to Lupin to Molly to Ron. Hands shaking and eyes glassy, then he turned and bolted up the stairs and out of sight.

The small group stood in silence, and Lupin took this chance to survey the damage that they had done; one knife was embedded into the wall, the kitchen table was overturned, chairs and food a-skewed. Lupin walked over to the knife and used both hands to pry it from the wall. He marveled at Sirius's strength, and aim. He reveled at the fact that if the knife had hit it's intended target, Snape would be dead right now.

Holding the knife in his hand, he turned around the to group.

"What happened? What started them off?" he asked

"Snape started it." Harry said shortly

" _Professor_ Snape."

" _Professor Snape_ started it. We were just about to start eating when he made some stupid remark about Sirius in Azkaban—I don't know—something about how he's had it easy for the past fifteen years—and Sirius went all pale and then flipped the table. They shouted back and forth for a bit, then Sirius started chucking knives at him—that's when you came in." Harry said, pointing to the table.

Lupin nodded. Snape was known to take things too far. He was also starting to worry about Sirius, who had been more withdrawn and sullen than usual. Lupin had begun to notice it—the subtle change in Siriu's behavior—almost a week ago. At first, Sirius had been more than thrilled to be living in his old house again, to be a member of the order again and to finally be around people. But it seemed that the novelty was wearing off on him. now, lupin noticed that he could barely stand to be in a room with three or more people in it, he could barely stand it if someone touched him. He had become quieter, barely speaking at all and mumbling brief one word answers. He seemed to loose himself in the gloom of the house, and Lupin was becoming more and more concerned about his friend.

"I'll go check on him. He'll be fine, I promise." Lupin assured Harry, and then he turned towards the black hallway and started his ascend up the stairs towards his friend.

888

This is part one of three. Please review and tell me what you think! This is my first time in the HP fandom, so please go easy on me!

Thanks so much!


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

"Sirius?

Lupin found Sirius in the master bedroom on the fourth floor, picking up feathers and other debris from Buckbeak. The great griffin was fast asleep on the bed, curled up like a cat and dead to the world.

"Sirius, look at me." Lupin said quietly

Sirius continued to clean up after the griffin, still not looking at Lupin in the eye, still not saying a word.

"Sirius. Look at me." Lupin tried again, not ignoring the shaking in his friend's hands.

"Go away, Remus. I'm fine." Sirius muttered softly.

"Sirius….please?" Lupin whispered quietly, and winced when Sirius continued to ignore his presence, concealing the shaking of his hands by picking up scattered bits of feathers and mouse bones from Buckbeak.

"Fine. If your not going to look at me, then just listen. What was that, down there? I don't know what's been going on with you-I don't know because you haven't said more than two words to me for the past three weeks—but what I do know is that this had gone on way too long. Don't think I haven't noticed how you flinch away from everyone—including me— or how you never look anyone in the eye anymore. What was Snape talking about? What happened to you in this house? What did they do to you to make you so scared of being back here?"

Sirius froze, and for a moment Lupin actually thought he had gotten through to him. Then Sirius spoke, so softly that Lupin thought he had mistaken it for the one inside his head.

"Why do you care?"

"What?"

"Why do you care so damn much about what happened to me? All you've done these past weeks is hover over me. Like I said a million times before; I am fine!" he said, clutching the bin with white knuckles and glaring at the floor.

"Because your my friend, Sirius. You will always be my friend, and I do care about you. You know James would be acting just like this, if he were here. Don't ignore me, Sirius, please let me help you. Your all I have left of our old life. I don't want to loose you too" Lupin said in a quiet whisper.

.Lupin stared at Sirius, who had backed up away from him into the shadows of the room.

"I don't want to loose you either." Sirius whispered quietly.

Lupin walked over to him, and slowly extended his hand towards him.

"Why don't we talk—-."

He was cut off by a sharp intake of breathe as Sirius immediately flinched away from his touch and took a few more steps backwards into the desk, Something on the other side fell over with a bang and both Sirius and Lupin jumped at the noise.

"Don't touch me." Sirius said in a barely audible whisper.

Lupin nodded and withdrew his hand, sticking it deep in his pocket.

"Alright….. But, please, Sirius, can you just talk to me? Did something happen here? Please, tell me what's wrong." he asked again.

Lupin looked up at him and was surprised to see that Sirius was battling for composure, he brought his trembling hands to his face and sighed quietly, then sat on the dusty desk, putting one leg up to rest on the chair.

"Sirius…" Lupin walked over to him and bent down so they were at eye level. "Look at me." he said softly.

And he waited patiently for Sirius's glassy eyes to meet his. Their eyes met for a split second and Lupin forced himself not to flinch away from the shattered soul he saw. Then Sirius looked away, at the ceiling, at the dilapidated furniture, at the floor. Anywhere but Lupin.

Lupin sighed.

"I'm not going to hurt you." he said, looking up at Sirius, who flinched again as if Lupin was about to strike him. Lupin reached out his hand and gently cupped Sirius's chin, bringing his head up.

Blue eyes met brown ones.

"I am not going to hurt you." Lupin repeated. He felt Sirius try to flinch away but he kept his hand where it was, keeping their eyes locked.

" And I am not going to let you push me away."

Sirius jerked his chin away and turned from Lupin with a shaky exhale.

Lupin lowered his hand, then pulled over another dusty chair and sat down in it, making sure to give his friend plenty of space.

"Look, we need to come to a middle ground here. This is the headquarters for the order. We can't have knives being thrown, or tempers flaring up every other day. We have to work together, and I know you—all of us—have our problems with Snape but we just to to be able to work together. Let me help, I can talk to them, tell they to lay off or keep their distance for a while. But I can't do anything if you won't tell me whats wrong." Lupin said.

Sirius remained where he was, sitting on the desk, his brown eyes glistened in the gloomy light, and Lupin could tell he was thinking things over—trying to figure out what to say.

"Being back here….." he started, and then faltered. Lupin remained quiet, hoping his friend would have the courage to continue.

"In Azka—-." he faltered again shaking his head, then stood up from the desk. The chair his foot had been resting on tipped over and they both jumped at the sound. Sirius crossed the room towards the window in three gliding steps. He crossed his arms over his chest as he stared out the window for a few moments, then turned away from it and looked at Lupin.

"This….this is the first time…in a long while that—that I've been around so many people. I guess….after fifteen years of being alone…it's hard for me to trust—- feel like myself around them. Especially since Reg—-I just—I never thought I would be back here again. " he looked like he wanted to say more but he remained silent, staring at the floor.

Lupin nodded. "Okay. That's something we can work with. You don't want to be touched—which is fine— but, you have to trust that we won't hurt you. You are safe here. Nobody can get in and out of this house except for the order. Nobody is going to hurt you. Now, with that said, can we go back downstairs?" Lupin asked

Sirius stood perfectly still. He seemed to be thinking over what Lupin had said.

"Actually, if you don't want to go all the way back down there…we can go to the third floor and clean out that hidden closet space—the one with the stacks of old Daily Prophets. Molly's been meaning to do it for ages but she's been so busy with the rest of the house. How does that sound?" Lupin asked. He knew Molly was going to make Harry and the others sort it out tomorrow, but it seemed like a quiet place for them to go, and it gave Sirius something to do.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Sirius nodded his head.

"Okay. But no coming up behind me—or getting near me—or anything. Okay?" he said, coming to himself for a moment.

Lupin nodded, "Alright." he said softly, and then slowly he walked towards the door and opened it. he paused to make sure Sirius was following him, and then headed down the stairs to the third floor.

Please please leave a review and tell me what you think so far. I would love your feedback!


	3. Chapter 3

Shoutout to mrsspecialk for the lovely review! Thank you!

This is the last part. There is some triggering material (mentions of non/con, depression and anxiety) in this one, so please read with care.

When they got to the room, Lupin conjured up some mops and dustbins.

"I can start on the floor, you can sort through that pile of old newspapers." he said, pointing to the stacks and stacks of old Daily Prophets.

Sirius nodded silently, then walk over to the stack of papers and starting sorting through them.

They worked in silence. To Lupin it seemed like days, instead of just a few hours. Sirius kept his distance and he didn't meet Lupin's eye once. Until finally—-

"I'm sorry, Remus."

"it's alright." Lupin said softly, pausing where he was and looking up at Sirius.

"No it's not." Sirius answered

"What?"

"I'm not okay." he whispered.

"I know. Can you tell me—?" Lupin asked, holding his breath.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders.

"Sirius. Look at me." Lupin said, taking a few steps towards him. Sirius in turn backed away him until his back hit the wall with a small thump

Lupin sighed. "Is this about what Molly said earlier, because I think you've been a great guardian to H—-?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Is this about what Snape said about the house?"

Sirius nodded his head

"Im sorry that Dumbledore's making you stay here, I know its the last place you want to be right now but it really is the safest."

"I know it's just—-ahh I can't explain it. It's just, being back here brings back memories that I would rather forget completely. My family—was not—they would…hurt me. ." Sirius trailed off in a faint whisper.

Lupin stared at his friend. He knew Sirus has run away from home when he was 16, he knew how much he detested his family and their pure blood beliefs, but he never thought they would actually hurt him.

"What do you mean?" he asked softly

Sirius looked up at him and shrugged his shoulders.

Lupin sighed, "Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Shut me out. Tell me what happened, please? Please let me in, Sirius, 'Im only trying to help." Lupin took a few steps towards his friend and winced as Sirius flinched away from him.

"Stop. STOP. Please stop it."

"Sirius?" Lupin asked

"It's not a simple…" he trailed off again, a dead far off look in his eyes, much like the one he had when Lupin had seen him for the first time since Azkaban

"Please…" Lupin asked again, trying to be gentle, trying to not scare his best friend away.

Sirius winced and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I can't—-."

"Because—it was worse than just that—they didn't just beat me—it was worse than that—I think—-I think I was raped." Sirius whispered, looking up at Lupin with dead serious eyes.

Silence.

They both stared at each other. Sirius shivered and slid down the wall onto the floor, keeping his arms tightly wrapped around himself.

Lupin stared at him in shock, and disbelief.

"What?" he asks

"My brother, and his friends would take me—strap me down—and…touch me—and play their little games with me—-and I didn't want it….I never wanted it but they never stopped. I couldn't make them—and now, being back here after all these years I can feel them again and….it hurts. "

"Sirius—-"

"Don't make me say it again." Sirius cuts Lupin off, looking down at his knees.

"Oh Sirius. I am sorry. I am so so sorry." Lupin said, walking over to him and kneeling down next to him. Sirius pulled his legs into his chest, making him appear incredibly small.

"I didn't know." Lupin said

"I know." Sirius answered.

"Azkaban made it worse. I was tormented by their faces, and their laughs. For thirteen years I lived with them taunting me and I could never escape it. Sometimes I really thought I was going mad. The voices never knowing that I was innocent, but everyone else—including you—thought I had killed James and Lily was so hard on me….I still feel…I don't know. Sometimes it's like I never left. The voices never stopped. I hate being trapped again." he whispered quietly, his hands shakily going over his forearms where Lupin knew there were scars from the chains Sirius had worn.

Lupin nodded encouragingly and hoped his friend would keep talking. Sirius never spoke about Azkaban, or about the dementors. It was like those thirteen years of his life never happened, even though Lupin could see the effects Azkaban had left on his friend's face and soul.

"All those years—I know I didn't show it but—I think I knew you were innocent. Deep down. There were many times when I thought about writing, but I never did. I think I was scared that what they were saying was true, and that I had lost my best friend to the darkness. I'm sorry Sirius, I was a coward. I should have trusted my gut, I should have known right away that you never would have betrayed James. But I didn't, and I'm sorry." Lupin said quietly, looking up at Sirius.

Sirius remained silent, and picked at a thread on his pants.

"Have you talked to anybody else about Reg—your brother?" Lupin asked.

Sirius started to shake his head, but then he paused. "James knew. About what Regulus would do. There were so many times I would knock on his window at night, having barely escaped, that he had to know. On some level. It mostly happened in the summer, when we were all home from Hogwarts."

"I'm sorry Sirius, I never knew. Maybe we can talk to someone, there are professionals at St. Mungos—." Lupin started

"No. No one else can know. Ever." Sirius interrupted him, and his eyes flashed up.

"What?"

"I'm Harry's godfather. He needs to know that I can be strong. He can't see me like this. I'm the closest thing he has to a father and he can't see me crumble and fall apart. Not after all he's been through. He needs someone who's strong. He can't know that every time I close my eyes, I am back in my cell listening to the screams, or that I can't stand to be touched by anybody because it reminds of what they did to me. He can't know that sometimes—sometimes I dont know where I am or…or what year it is….or why I'm even still here. He can't know. Ever. No one can know. No one can ever know." Sirius answered, becoming more frantic with every word.

"Sirius, okay. It's okay—"

"It's not, it'll never be okay. Snape knows. I know he does. He's going tell them. He said he would. I can't—no one can know. No one can know that I'm this weak. They can't." he murmured, words being faster as panic set in.

"Sirius. Sirius. Look at me." Lupin said, putting his hand on Sirius's knee and for once Sirius didn't flinch away from his touch. He waited until Sirius looked up at him.

"You can trust me. I won't say a word to anyone." Lupin said.

Sirius stared at him for ten whole seconds. Lupin counted them in his head; one, two, three….

"What about Snape?" Sirius asked

"What about him?"

"He knows—-he'll tell Harry—-and I can't—." Sirius broke off with another shudder.

"I will personally make sure Snape never says a word. And if he does, how does a bat bogey curse sound?" Lupin offered, looking up at Sirius with a small smile

Sirius nodded, but didn't say anything.

Lupin smiled sadly, " I will always be here for you. You know that. Whenever your feeling lost, or afraid, come find me. I'll promise to try and make it better for you."

"Thank you, for telling me. I know it wasn't easy. But we do have to discuss one more thing."

Sirius's eyes flashed up in panic, "Remus…I want to tell you more, but—- I need some time—-I—-I don't think—-I haven't found the words yet. I don't know…" Sirius stuttered, but he faltered when Lupin shook his head.

"No, no it's okay. This is completely different, I promise; we have to work on that knife throwing habit of yours. Next time it might actually hit someone. You can tackle Snape as much as you want, but the knife throwing has got to stop. okay?" Lupin said, and then he remembered something James used to do when he was younger and wanted to spend time with his friend.

Lupin extended his hand, pinky raised up.

"Promise?" he asked

Sirius stared at his hand, and then up at Lupin.

"What?"

Lupin sighed, "No more knives?" he wiggled his pinky and smiled.

Sirius scoffed, "What are we? First years?"

"Just do it."

Sirius froze, eyes glued on Lupin's extended hand. And Lupin realized that this would be the first time Sirius actually reached out to anybody to touch them since he arrived at Grimmuald Place.

"Sirius, look at me." Lupin asked again.

Sirius looked up at him.

"You have to trust me."

Sirius sighed, and then he reached his hand out and linked his pinky with Lupin's.

"Promise." he said. He paused, "What about a dagger? Can I throw one of those?" he asked, and then he smiled, a true smile and Lupin saw a glimmer of the old Sirius shining through.

Lupin shrugged, "Sure, but only if it's a small one."

~*~

Thank you so much for reading! That's the end, for now. I might do another story, and delve more into Sirius and Lupin's relationship. We'll see. If you liked it, please leave a review. If you didnt like, please leave a review anyway. I would love to hear some critiques.


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